The Lioness Share
Key Insights:
Women often only take time for themselves after everyone else is happy
Create check-in moments with your spouse to make explicit decisions on who does what
My dad had two important things going for him that helped him stay healthy while working hard. He loved his job. And he was good at picking the right activities when he was not working. After work, he did activities he loved, things that got him away from his desk and that he could do with others. But he also had a secret weapon. And that was my mom.
On top of her job as a high school teacher, my mom cooked, bought groceries, and prepared our lunches until we could do it ourselves. On Saturday evening, my mom stayed home with my other sister so that my dad could take my oldest sister and me to the ice rink. My mom basically kept the family and household running. It wasn’t that my mom never did anything for herself. Each Sunday, she went for a morning run with her friend. But the family came first. Once the kids and her husband were happy, she looked to see if there was anything left that could make her happy.
This pattern - the husband plans activities and then sees how the family fits in, whereas the wife takes care of the family and then checks if there is any time left for her - is familiar to many of my friends. When I got together with my friends that week, we sighed and laughed in recognition when one of them shared that her husband had suggested visiting a friend in Germany. He thought it would be ‘really nice’ to have some quiet time, do some mountain biking, get some work done, and perhaps go to a local pub. Sure, that sounds lovely. I asked my friend, laughing, when she had planned her 10-day trip to visit me in Canada. It would be ‘really nice’ to go skiing, visit a spa, get some work done, and perhaps go to a nice restaurant. “Right?!” She exclaimed. “It wouldn’t even occur to me to suggest that”.
The question is whether everyone is optimally happy with this pattern of the lion feasting first, whereas the lioness waits for the leftovers. I think not, in the end. It can lead to lots of resentment if one partner always decides the day-to-day schedule and life in general. Such resentment then might lead to passive-aggressive communication (“sure, relax and watch TV, I’ll make dinner again”), which doesn’t help the relationship, as partner 1 was never told what is bothering partner 2.
The key, therefore, is early and regular communication. If you are a couple, patterns slip in easily. If you never mention that this pattern is wearing on you, the other person might never know your dissatisfaction. Although it may feel artificial at first, planning a check-in with your spouse to discuss each other’s work and family load can be helpful. This doesn’t have to be a formal meeting, but could be during a date night to keep it light and fun. I sometimes don’t see how much my husband has on his plate at work, but once I ask, it becomes clearer why doing laundry isn’t on his mind. Similarly, I once indicated that planning lunches and meals each week was a mental burden on me. My husband had never realized that and offered to take turns with weekly meal planning. A frank conversation can create more understanding of each other’s energy levels and make all the tasks each partner does more visible.
If you share tasks, the trick is to accept that those tasks might not be carried out exactly the way you do. If you can’t accept that, you shouldn’t give this task to your partner. In my household, I fold clothes because it needs to be done in a particular way, and I can’t expect my husband to hold the same standards. So there is the theme again. You can’t have it all. You can ask your spouse for help with a task, but only if they are allowed to do it their way.
As for my parents, things took an unexpected turn when they both retired. My mom got diagnosed with Parkinson’s. My dad has stepped up. He now does the grocery shopping, cooking, and cleanup. My mom sits down more (even though it is not because she wants to). Their task distribution seems balanced after all; it has just followed a somewhat different timeline.