Surviving Toddler Shittyness
Key Insights
We need to be honest about the aspects of parenting that just aren’t fun
Four tips to get through the less fun parts of parenting
This morning, I walked to the petting farm in our neighborhood with my 1.5-year-old. It was a beautiful fall day, 9 degrees and sunny. When we got there at 9:30 am, it turned out that the Fall opening hours had started. The farm wouldn’t open until 10 am. I maneuvered the stroller to the playground adjacent to the farm, where my little one started roaming around happily.
Soon, more people, unaware of the new opening hours, started to trickle in. Two ladies and a 2.5-year-old boy in a stroller pulled up. The boy screamed, the mother sighed. It was clear from her tone that her morning had been challenging thus far, and her patience was running thin. Although I judged her tone (hey, it is hard not to judge), I sympathized with her, as for all I knew, she was running on 4 hours of sleep and had been dealing with a grumpy child since 4:30 am.
We started chatting while pushing our kids in the swings. It turned out that her patience was not just running thin; she seemed to have none for raising a toddler. In fact, she openly admitted that she could not wait for her son’s teenage years. Everything was a burden to her. The early wake-ups, the bedtime struggle, no time to yourself, no fun organized activities in the community for toddlers, the whining, heck, even the dew on the swing was a problem.
Although I think it is very healthy to openly admit that you are not enjoying a certain child-raising phase, you still need to find a way to get through it. I can’t say I’m enjoying getting out of bed at 2 am or starting the day with a toddler walk at 6 am in the rain. Let alone the tantrums triggered by absurd things, like not being allowed to eat crayons. Or always being on high alert to prevent my toddler from coloring on the furniture, spilling all the soap on the floor, or fishing with her hands in the toilet. I’m not sure if there exists a parent who enjoys this stuff. Acknowledging that this part of parenting is pretty shitty is great. I talk and laugh about the shittyness a lot with my mom friends. But this stuff is part of it; it’s going to be here for a while, so you'd better find a way to live with it.
Fifteen minutes later, the playground was getting insanely busy with parents and toddlers all waiting for the farm to open. I navigated my 1.5-year-old out of the fence onto the nearby forest trail. After a short stroll, we could see the “moo-moo’s”. She gave the cows more attention than she ever had when we watched them from within the farm’s fences. After spending a few minutes with the cows, we slowly made our way back to the farm. Meanwhile, the farm had opened its gates, and people were leaving the playground. My little one insisted on going back to the playground, which looked like a great plan to me. No lineups, and no crying children or complaining parents anywhere around. I looked at my watch and decided to skip the farm altogether. She had woken up an hour earlier than usual, and the last thing I needed was for her to fall asleep in the stroller and not get two hours to myself.
On the way back, I contemplated how I dealt with the shittyness. Part of it was having a partner to share the load with, and arranging help from others (such as grandparents or sitters), so you get a few hours to yourself now and then. Part of it was exercise. If I run or swim in the morning, I can deal with whatever comes my way the rest of the day. Part of it was having friends to vent about the insanity of toddlers. And part of it is attitude. There is a ton of research that shows that your outlook can make or break your happiness and well-being. People who acknowledge the bad but then shift focus to the good fare much better than those who get stuck on the bad. Being optimistic helps, and so does resilience. Resilience means that you keep going, even when things go wrong. You focus on your goal, so you eventually reach it. This goal could range from long-term (e.g., raising a happy, confident kid) to small daily goals (e.g., spending time with your kid or connecting with friends). Sometimes you need to remind yourself why you are doing this and realize that it is a phase that will pass.
My goal for the day was to have fun with my kid, but also to get some time to myself. Back at home, it started to look like I was about to miss that last goal. At snack time, the little one rested her head on her highchair tray. She was not going to have a snack, that was clear. While cleaning up and heating up a bottle, she tried to sleep on the armchair, the floor, and the couch. Time to scoop her up and throw her in bed. “Bye-bye,” she said when I closed the door. She was out in a minute. It certainly looks promising for my two goals today.