Something's Gotta Give
Key Insights:
Almost everyone who juggles multiple roles makes trade-offs
Two tips to work more efficiently and free up time for life outside of work
I’m on a flight back from Boston, where I attended a management conference. Four days of symposia, meetings with colleagues, and going out for drinks and dinner with old friends. Not to forget, 3 nights of uninterrupted sleep, free rein to decide when and what to eat (chocolate croissants for breakfast), time for writing, and a squeezed-in run.
In most of my conversations during the conference, my book came up. I explained that my book was about juggling multiple roles, and offers a strategy to stay happy in this juggling act. Most conversation partners were fascinated or polite. In either case, it led to many stories of how they themselves were juggling work and family. First, I talked to two old friends from my time as a Postdoc in Philadelphia. At the time, they had been PhD students at Wharton. I had felt quite lost in the first few months in Philadelphia because I wasn’t sure where I fit in. I wasn’t a faculty member, and as nice as many faculty members were to me, I wasn’t a part of their group. But the PhD students had no problem viewing me as an equal, and I joined their gang. It was such a crucial time to have this crew, because most of us were away from home and had no friends or family in town. So, we had each other. We worked hard, and then partied hard.
“If only we realized back then how lucky we were”, said Friend 1 when we commemorated our time in Philly. “Yes, and how much freedom we had”, offered Friend 2. Friend 1 is happily married with two kids under 6, trying to balance his career, his wife’s career, and caring for their two children. Friend 2 also has a partner, and they recently had a child. His partner is possibly even more career-driven than he is. My two friends asked me how I got any work done. “I don’t know that I do”, I answered. I could be way more productive if I had 10 more hours in the week. But I don’t. And that is fine. I’m pretty happy with the research projects I’ve got going, while also spending time with my goofy boy and my whirlwind girl. “Plus”, I told my friends, “my husband and I have a date night every week”. It can be a date night in our backyard, after we put the littlest one to bed. Or it can be a date night where we go out, and a sitter watches all the kids.
They gazed at me in silence for a while. “I am honestly perpetually tired”, said Friend 2. “I work as much as I did before, but now I do that around my daughter’s day schedule, and I work after she’s in bed. She goes to bed late and wakes up early, so I don’t get much sleep”. “When do you see your partner?” I asked. “I don’t really”, he said. “She needs some alone time as she’s exhausted from work and taking care of our girl too”. “I see”, I said quietly.
Friend 1 looked at me quizzically. “Isn’t that what all young couples go through? My wife keeps asking me when we will go on a date again. But I don’t feel comfortable with a sitter until our kids are a little older, and frankly, I am too exhausted for a date. We both work when the kids are in bed”. “I get it”, I said softly. Friend 1 patted his belly. “And time for the gym, I don’t have at all either”. Friend 2 looked at his tight-fitting shirt and stated that, clearly, he didn’t work out either.
This conversation stuck with me for a few days. I wondered if I was missing something. Why did I have time for dates with my spouse, and why did I exercise three times a week? And on the days I didn’t exercise, I would still hit 10,000 steps because my littlest one wants to walk at 6 am, 5 pm, and 6:30 pm. I hadn’t lost my job yet, and my kids seemed to like me fine.
I guess my friends had chosen to go full force on work and caring for their kids, while putting the brakes on exercise, and spending less time with their spouses. I work at least ten hours a week less than before I met my husband. My publications are also less frequent than five years ago. There it was. I was not missing anything; I just had been making a different trade-off. I had cut down on work. I am often too tired to work at night and do not sleep well if I work late into the evening. I’m much more efficient in the morning, so I might as well postpone unfinished work until the morning and get it done in a third of the time. And let’s be honest, my work was never done, so what was another day? It would also make bedtime extremely stressful if I were constantly fretting that an extra minute with my son would cut into my work time.
Even though my friends and I make different trade-offs, neither of us has it all. Something’s gotta give. The three of us have fairly similar life domains - partner, children, work, friends, and exercise. We each came to the conclusion that we can’t do all these things a 100% if we want to be there for our kids. Hence, we each make choices about what we do less of. It can be less exercise, less time with friends, less time with the spouse, or fewer work hours.
Now, if you find yourself short on time, trying to do it all, a good strategy is to consciously choose the domains you want to invest in. Ask yourself if you can let go of any friendships, hobbies, or habits that are superficial or not rewarding. That saves time that you can spend on something or someone that is meaningful to you. Similarly, if you have a fair amount of control at work, try saying no to projects that you don’t really like or that you are not very good at. If you do not have that leeway at work, can you be more efficient by starting tasks immediately and avoiding procrastination? Another way to save time is to check email only twice a day. Not checking email too often (admittedly hard to do!) reduces the time and energy you waste switching between tasks and refocusing on what you were doing. It can also help to start the day with a difficult task, then check your email around 11 am, and again around 4 pm to address anything that needs an answer that day. This strategy makes you feel great about yourself because you checked off a challenging task from your list early in the day. That builds confidence for the rest of the day. A 2025 study published in Personnel Psychology found that, across multiple studies, employees who started the day with a difficult task followed by an easier one were less fatigued at the end of the day and performed better. Think about what is possible in your job, and what works for you.
With these tips, I find that my shorter workdays are not terribly less productive. I often work very hard for three hours in the morning, and by then I am either brain-fried, too wired, or hit a roadblock. All three are perfectly fine reasons to go for a swim, a run, or a walk, so that I can clear my head, calm down, or think of solutions for my roadblock. When I shared with my friends that I often go for a walk or a swim to stay productive, they looked at me blankly. Friend 1 responded, “You always think too much about how you work.”
“I know”, I said. “But it works. That is why I am writing a book about it”.