Hero on Father's Day
Key Insights
Stereotypes on caregiving make working parents’ lives unnecessarily difficult
Try living your life without those silent or loud judgmental voices
On the day I flew to the Netherlands to visit my family, I dropped my daughter off at daycare. I gave her an extra tight hug and said, “See you in ten days. I love you.” I saw the two instructors exchange looks. Those looks said something like “what did she say? Is she really leaving her kids for ten days?” I sure was. It was glorious.
On my drive to the airport, I thought to myself that I probably had assumed the judgment in their looks. Maybe I was being hypersensitive because there was a teensy part of me feeling guilty about not seeing my kids for a while. What if they were going to miss me? What I wasn’t worried about, though, was whether my husband was going to be okay. He was going to rock it because that is what he does every single day. There wasn’t a single thing he would have to do that he doesn’t typically do. Although he would lack an extra pair of eyes to check what havoc our 2-year-old was wreaking.
Apparently, I was the only one not worried about my husband. I can’t even count how many times I was asked how he was faring without me, both during and after my trip. Sure, this could be just one of the questions we ask during small talk. But I wondered how often my husband is asked how I am doing with the kids when he is traveling (I asked him later, the answer is ‘never’).
While my husband had already faced considerable implicit suspicion and doubt about his ability to care for two kids on his own, he soon received more explicit comments suggesting he wasn’t enough. One day at pick up, one of the instructors told him that our daughter had been crying more than usual. “She just needs her mommy”, she had added.
While my daughter was desperately needing me, I was road biking in the hilly landscape of Limburg, enjoying a three-day trip with one of my best friends. There was lots of rain in the forecast, but we had about 15 minutes left and were optimistic about getting home on time. After our final climb of the day, we felt the victory. Until I biked downhill too fast and hit several rocks hidden under the mud. My front tire instantly deflated. I looked at the ominous skies. “Let’s call the bike rental,” I suggested to my friend. They had told us to call for a pickup if we ran into any trouble. “No way,” she said resolutely, “how hard can it be to change a tire?” I had changed many bike tires in my life, so I knew the answer. She was right. I thought about the smirks on the guys’ faces in the bike shop if they got a call from two helpless damsels in distress. “Let’s do this”, I replied.
Changing the tire really didn’t take that long. But it took long enough for the downpour to start. We got soaked. So soaked that it really didn’t matter anymore if it rained any harder. It rained harder. When I returned the bike to the mechanic, a puddle formed around my bike shoes. He gave me a concerned look. “Make sure to take a hot shower or put on some dry clothes soon, or you’ll get sick”. How wrong was I with my picture of a smirking guy?
We constantly judge others and think others are judging us. And while doing so, we make each other’s lives a whole lot harder. Many working mothers already have enough guilt about missing time with their kids. In a 2022 study, a Dutch research team led by Assistant Professor Lianne Aarntzen found that mothers who had internalized gender stereotypes (suggesting women should primarily care for children) felt more guilt on days they worked longer hours. This effect was not there for men. They, in fact, felt less guilt if they prioritized work. These results show that working moms really don’t need others telling them their kids need them. They already feel bad enough without those reminders.
Many working dads are judged for spending time with their kids if that comes at the expense of work. A 2023 study published in Sex Roles convincingly shows, across four studies, that fathers who care for their children on a weekday, as opposed to dads caring for their child on a Saturday, are seen as less competent and less masculine. This made me wonder how many fathers spend less time with their kids than they would like, just to avoid the judgmental looks from neighbors, coworkers, or supervisors. And to avoid comments that they will never be as good as mom.
I am on to a new research project. But before I start it, I need to wake my daughter from her nap, as I am the only one who can do it properly. Plus, my husband is off being a hero somewhere. Our female friend’s car didn’t start, so he had to go out there with his startup cables to save her. I am sure his ratings for competence and masculinity from bystanders are through the roof. And no, I am not making this up.
