Boomerang Parenting
Key Insights
- Kids absorb much of what they hear from you
- After a while, they treat you how you treat them
My son’s report cards often come back with the advice to practice listening. I think what the teacher probably means is that my son should go beyond selective listening. Because in my experience, my son actually listens too well to whatever serves him. You just don’t know it until a few weeks later, when he uses your lesson against you to point out your own shortcomings. Here is how that works.
I am shopping online for a silicone bib for my daughter after we left hers in a vacation home. My son leans over my shoulders. “Why are you shopping?” he asks. “Because we need a new bib for your sister”, I respond. He emphatically stares at the assortment of bibs hanging on hooks in our kitchen. They are not as nice as the ones I have in my online shopping cart, but they do the trick. “Do you really need a bib, or do you want a bib? These are two different things.” I hear myself say this exact phrase. I see us in the supermarket, where he saw a stuffed animal that he really wanted. I honestly had no idea I sounded that annoying.
Fast forward to spring break. My son and I have a full week in the snow, skiing every day. Except for the one day that is supposed to be a rest day. We first go on a 1-hour hike with Poppa and his dog. Then we play soccer for an hour. Both before lunch. When we finish lunch, he asks me to play soccer again. “I am a bit tired now, but maybe later,” I respond, looking up from my book. An evil smile appears on his face. “Come on, it will be fun!” He bursts into a loud laugh now. “That is what you always tell me when you want me to do something I don’t want to do”. “Really, I do?” I ask. I vaguely recall uttering these words when I try to pry him away from his Nintendo to go for a walk with his sister. Again, that sounded pretty annoying.
The next day is another ski day. We go early because there is 10 cm of fresh snow. We ski a few powder runs, and we both feel great. In the chairlift up, he points out a ‘run’ he has done with my husband. It is an off-the-map double black diamond that basically twists and twirls around rocks and cliffs, all under the chair, for a full audience. “Shall we do Fraggle Rock?” He sees me hesitating. “Come on, mama, if you don’t try, you will never know what it’s like.” I literally hit my head on the chairlift bar at this point. But he wins. We go. And he coaches me patiently through it, pointing out where cliffs are, and waiting for me every turn. At least that part of my parenting style is not annoying. “This is so much fun!” I shout at him once we are back at a groomed run. He is beaming.
My son is nine-and-a-half now, and pretty switched on to other people’s feelings and thoughts. The fact that he internalizes my ‘lessons’ and boomerangs them back at me shouldn’t surprise me. It does make me pause for a second, though. If he is copying my parenting lessons, what else is he copying? Everything most likely. From how I deal with frustrations, to how I comfort his sister, to how I talk to my mom on the phone. While I am making a mental note to stop licking my knife after dinner (a habit I picked up from my dad), I overhear my son talking to his dad on the phone. It is about Mech Arena, a game that my son deleted after I showed him how it constantly lured him into spending money.
“Which one of the four robots should I get?” his dad asks.
“Are you spending or saving?” is my kid’s answer.
“Ehh...” his dad pauses.
“It sounds like you already spent some money”, my son continues. “How much did you spend? Fifty bucks?”
“More or less.” His dad’s voice has gotten soft at this point.
My son gives him a dead stare through his tablet and presses: “More or less? Or up from fifty?”
I can’t hold my laugh anymore. At least I am not the only parent suffering from the boomerang effect.
